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HomeMy WebLinkAbout01/08/2008 08 Audience Participation I I Distributed at - / - g - CSa usiness Me in r. y a 4rrr �� � O 9 .C\.) " E )ETHRO GAZET7 • . . . . . . .. ,,....0-01 0,„„„„„„„„„,,„ "A Small Voice in the Northwest" 1 01111111111111111111k !FREE if you can find it. $18 00 Annual Subscription January 2008 I ' RE-DEDICATION OF THE MAYOR CRIDDLE �' .;' MEMORIAL TRAFFIC LIGHT ti,,,,, , e .- �. S'�,x 3 i . by Clyde Hopper N E ' M', ., I � t , t a I if rcI It is with pride that I take pen in hand (actually it's a computer work station and it does these really weird , I `" k- :: things I don't understand) and return to magical moment when the Township of Jethro burst into the Twen- a* ,'a , 7 . tieth Century (is -it the twentieth or the twenty-first'? I get very confused on the whole thing If it's the twentieth, r < ..`'aq' how come we keep calling the years nineteen something or other? Or is it the twentieth -first and all the years .. _ c 1 . y are twenty- something I wish I had my old Royal typewriter back.) It was nineteen hundred and ninety two &,..A,: . , � \ n e*� r when Jethro stepped in the modern era with the addition of the very first traffic Tight ever seen in Jethro - = , , i I t was such a momentous occasion that it was named the Mayor Criddle Memorial Traffic Light. I forget ,,. ., :$ ;: why But when it was dedicated Mayor Criddle, the Council Members of the Township of Jethro, and the of . " .�. <. . -'7'''‘-' ' -''' •, '''." • yellow dog were all there for the ceremony If I remember correctly the oI' yellow dog left early -ABOVE Traffic Tight in 1992 at original dedi- Jethro had never had a traffic Tight before which left Police Chief Eva Grumble a shortfall in obtaining fund - cation. ing for her police department. It had become extremely difficult to prove in court that the occasional tourist was BELOW Downtown Jethro today exhibiting guilty of running a red light when Jethro didn't have a red Tight to run "If it wasn't for the portable parking meter that I could move around in front of tourist's cars we wouldn't have any money at all," said the esteemed Chief the efforts of Mediocre Visions and Mayor of Police Criddle in expanding Jethro Mayor. Criddle was able to procure the traffic light form the City of Yakima when a itinerant car salesman ran into a city traffic light with his 1947 Pontiac and severely bent it. The 1947 Pontiac and the traffic light and the salesman The Senior Yakima City Engineer surveyed the damage and said the traffic light, the 1947 i Pontiac, and the itinerant car salesman were all beyond repair The traffic light was sold to Jethro, the 1947 Pontiac became a roadside planter sponsored by the Nature Artists Garden Club and the car salesman became I _ _ _General Manager of a local dealership which resulted in sales_records that have not been equaled to this day_.__ _ L The defunct traffic light was transported to Jethro and set up in the center of the downtown business area Some Township Council members thought that the traffic light would be more effective if it were placed at an intersection Stanislaus.M Slavanorsky, then Jethro City Engineer, pointed out to the Jethro Township Council • "4 that Jethro did not have an intersection The Jethro Township Council immediately tabled the resolution con- ''" � /'1.` 1,_. °° demning the placement of the traffic light and voted themselves a twenty -two percent cost of living raise Lam, . S . , '`~ � �• . Mr Slavanorsky then filed a petition with the Jethro Township Council for public works funds to be allocated - : - to repair the traffic light since it has not worked since the altercation with the 1947 Pontiac. The Township 1 � Council took the petition under advisement and finally ruled against it due to a lack of funds Mr Slavanorsky - - _._ , ; r . a , produced a spreadsheet that demonstrated that the Township could afford to repair the traffic Tight with potential '"'"' 4-,- ;; € r. � ,=- - _ income from the operating traffic light. The Council took the new information under advisement and noted that :w , _* r ._ the potential income from the potentially operating traffic light would just meet the proposed cost of living raise If . �. - :=- , -. . ' ° t. yr �`Y proposed for the Township Council for the next fiscal year Therefore, the Council decided that since the raise r : ` `` , ,' was going to take place anyway there was not need to fix the traffic light. i Mr Slavanorsky had no comment: The re- dedication ceremony continued PROFESSOR PEPLUM RELEASES REPORT by A. Hopper Professor Alphonse Peplum, Chairman of the U of J Business School, has over in Seattle with that little computer software business is just a flash in the issued his annual report on the Economic State of the - Country Professor Pep- pan riding the crest of a fad Mark my words, he won't amount to anything " lum has been issuing this highly regarded report annually ever since he took I contacted a prominent financial advisor of my acquaintance in the city of over the Chairmanship of the U of J Business School in 1978 Businessmen Yakima and asked him for his opinion of the Professor's report. He said he had I and scholars nationwide have anxiously awaited Professor Peplum's report just completed a week long study of the report and found substance, informs- , each year so they could forecast their regions economic future based on the tive analyses, and a clear financial strategy for the next twelve months He told Professor's findings me that by using the new linear financial fractals of Professor Peplum he hit the As usual, this report was completely unintelligent, biased, flawed, incompre - third race at Santa Anita for a 78 to 1 shot. According to Sparky, "It just don't hensible, and misleading to the ordinary man -on- the - street. Donald get no better than that!" "Megabucks" Shrump, developer and Wall Street financier, spoke from his man- Professor Peplum said he has not received the full figures on retail sales sion in Rio de Janeiro and said, "The Prof has got his entire act together big from surrounding communities but preliminary reports indicate that the nation time, you just have to be able to real and properly analyze his forecasts Last could be faced with a strong recession, if not a full fledged depression in 2008 year, by following his financial advice, I lost more money than I ever have be- "I noticed that the retail sales of the Pretty Face Baby Doll were down two- fore I got real worried late in September by the amount of money that was roll- tenths of one percent in the first week of November, followed by an additional ing in, but some incredibly bad stock investments, tips that I got from the Prof, one -tenth of one percent drop the second week. But the third week, when the tanked at the last minute Then there was the advice to go heavy on real estate stock arrived from Bangladesh, sales skyrocketed That subtle financial indica- in Afghanistan I thought I was in trouble there until late October when the Air tion tells me that when a retail operation has stock on hand they have a far bet- Force came in and blew it to pieces. Between the law suits against the govern- ter chance of selling it. It is that sort of solid inside information that has made ment and the tax write -offs I came out like a champ, fiscally speaking I love the the Peplum Report what it is today " Prof, I sent him my last year's Rolls. Heck of a guy!" When asked to explain why he has forecast a recession and /or a depression When it was pointed out to Professor Peplum that some of his proposed rec- every year the Peplum Report has been published he explained, "You have to ommendations last year didn't seem to work out he said, "Nothing more than a fully understand the ramifications of the financial world, the ins and outs, the small speed bump in the road of life, my boy I honestly thought the Miami Dol- ups and downs, the percentages and the probabilities. If I forecast a recession phins were going to do better than that, and after the thirteenth loss I began to and /or a depression every year the odds are definitely on my side that some notice a bit of shakiness in their performance And I still maintain that fellow day it will happen It's all in the percentages, my boy You got any idea who looks good in the 5th at Aqueduct ?" , "CLASS" COMING TO JETHRO by Arthur Clyde Hopper SHADE Argo AWNING co. Donald "Megabucks" Shrump, brought into the room That trunk," really big -time real estate developer said "Megabucks" Will be filled with headquartered in Hope, Arkansas, money, just as soon as I can borrow arrived in Jethro yesterday with his it, to build a gigantic upscale super- Come on in and visit the "Shady Lady" entourage and immediately held a center shopping plaza in whatever press conference in the Vice Presi- town this is that I'm in today I have for a shady deal! dential Suite of the Wink Wink Nudge personally opened dialogues with Nudge Motel companies like Tiffany's, Gumps, This reporter was at the Jethro Nordstroms, Rolls Royce, and Value International Airport as "Megabucks" Village to anchor the center My ar- deplaned from his luxury Beech Stag- chitects are currently working on gerwing executive aircraft. I was un- plans to make sure that the proposed able to obtain a personal interview at Shrump Center will be unequaled in that time as "Megabucks" and his en- splendor by any other center east, or , tourage were undergoing emergency maybe west, of the Jethro River No 606 W Yakima Avenue Yakima WA 98902 medical treatment from Dr "Doc" expense will be spared to create a Parke as is the custom for the pas- shopping environment the like of 509/452 -8034 sengers and crew who survive a land- which has never before enjoyed by . ing at the Jethro International Airport. the local residents of this fair commu- �' '.:. ' i. , ., ") 1 ', ` x � 41t, Dutch Stonecrop, Manager of the nity I want to take this opportunity to , ' .4 \ 7 T _' ' —c: • o i i , 0 ,; { Jethro International Airport, said that assure the residents of this commu- l ► ° � ► iY � n w ry his work crew would have the rem- nity that contrary to rumors started by x :�'' . , a ,„ w , _ l ii x ' Hants of the Beech Staggerwing other developers, all of whom are bot- ': -`�, � v4� ,�;; , _ ,- .� � � < ' �. �� •. -�— ...� -- LL x ; swept up and removed by the end of tom dwelling scum sucking slime, that ,;wry ‘N ,., , _ j ' the week. He said that the landing our plans definitely include the super !, '' =� . � • definite) indicated that the Jethro center havin electricit Probabl s w 4M . r ' Township Council should reconsider Thank you " 2k,r, r : . ' '� ••�.;1N „- . their position on building a runway at With that inspiring announcement t , il. * k \ , \y - , " it the Jethro International Airport. He "Megabucks", his entourage, and the' ` ; �r <' ti' o : r did applaud their action on increasing Mayor along with the Township Coun- .. . Nt, " .�� 9 p Y J g ,1, the acres a of the air ort as the cil ad ourned to the Balaclava Loun e - •_ > -,- • '' _ • � ,. ,., 1 h° k . ,,.. . .36.-46.- .36.-46.- were running out of room to store for an in -depth meeting to iron out 'r . - ;r - , ;,�;, � . 7e ` wreckage some minor details. This reporter .1r , ct+ v 0 - ,�,' ' ` - PA Mayor Alvin Criddle opened the was able to obtain a copy of the . s•- � ., • .. press conference by awarding agenda and it seems that there is 9,q 4 • "Megabucks" Shrump the official key nothing that can't be worked out by J # Ott. rr ,' ♦ "Clean) g up Yakima to the city and read a twenty -two page our dedicated elected officials The •;f. 1 . V., . one bar at a time!" proclamation detailing the history of Council has already agreed that the ,:, Jethro and his many accomplish- super- center should pay no local 302 West Yakima Ave Suite 103 509/972 -8504 ments as Mayor of Jethro Some- taxes for twenty -five years and the where in the proclamation Mayor property for the super- center would Monday — Saturday 10 am to 6 pm www thelittlesoapmaker corn Criddle declared this day as Donald be paid for by a special tax imposed "Megabucks" Shrump Day _. __ on Jethro citizens Mayor Criddle and When Mayor Criddle finally fin- the Township Council have already ished the proclamation a member of agreed to the amount of their salaries BALLESTEKI'S CAFE "Megabucks" entourage went into the as Special Consultants to Shrump the 11 Balaclava Cocktail Lounge of the Enterprises and the only negotiation Tired of h carne old thing for lunch? Wink Wink Nudge Nudge Motel and left is the size of their expense ac- 11 informed "Megabucks" that he should counts. We offer y our choice of come out and pick up his key 2008 in Jethro has begun with a "Megabucks" graciously accepted bright future and will certainly lead to the key and then pointed to a large the possibility of becoming "a shining ELEVEN Hot Sandwiches TWELVE S alads trunk that one of his associates had city on the hill" If we get electricity ELEVEN Cold Sandwiches SEVEN Hamburgers BY POPULAR REQUEST... FOUR Chicl burgers A REPRINT FROM JANUARY 1993 PLUS soup —mace fresh dail To The Editor of the Jethro Gazette Dear Editor, COME ON LIVE IT UP! Some of my little friends are saying there isn't really a Jethro They're wrong, aren't they? Monday- Frida 6.30 a.m. to 5.30 p.m. West ark Your friend, Virginia Westpark 8.00 a.m. to 5 00 p.m. Shopping Center Dear Virginia, 40th and Summitview As you grow older and encounter more and more people you are going to Sunday 8.00 a.m. to 3 00 p.m. find that your ideals, your beliefs, and your convictions are going to be bat- tered, assailed and ridiculed Probably with good reason, but they are your ideals, beliefs and convictions and you're stuck with them i• . StinYou are going to find people who will try to convince you that Publishers � a Iiiipi Clearing House is going to send you wealth beyond your fondest dreams of y avarice You are going to find people who will try to convince you that Rose- A 1 anne is not an alien There are people in this world who belong to groups, .Always 1 cults, and extremist organizations, like the Columbia Broadcasting System, that will do anything they can to warp, change, or confuse your virginal brain 55 beaut You must resist such people and realize that you and you alone are in a of your own thoughts, • • destin and what I 9 Y at co or car you want to drive /%:-:. , Y, Y k � charge rotors available in You must take control of your life and plot your own future with clearly defined , ; goals that you will screw up beyond belief when you get married i ioi•mal Wear As you lurch down life's highway you will see many changes and you will r . • . 4 ; . ' x . come to realize that there are no constants, no standards, no lifelines for you yy to grasp in times of trial and stress. But there will always be a Jethro No mat- ' 302 E. Yakima .Avenue cot ter where you move in this great nation, no matter which of our great states you choose to live in, you will always find a Jethro Yakima, WA 98901 Everybody in this nation has either grown up in or knows of a Jethro Mayor Criddle is alive and well in our political system and the Jethro Town tues- 3riday 11 a.m. -6 p.m. Council is duplicated in every legislative body across our country Saturday 11 a.m. -4 p.m. Tell your little friends, shout it from the housetops, Jethro is there! And as far as Jethro is concerned, there is a there in Jethro t A Evening .Appointments by reservation: Yes, Virginia, there is a Jethro ( (509) 452 -4422 Your friend, JoAnn Sexton, Editor of The Jethro Gazette VOLUNTEERS FORM UNION '— • • • by A. C Hopper -4 G Zonta Club of Yakima Valley's 21st annual Edwin Trumble, volunteer fireman Mr Linguini, who arrived late for g • Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre & Auction for the Jethro Fire Department, has the interview because he had prob- announced that the volunteer firemen lems finding a parking spot for his Offi- D D • 5:30 p.m. Saturday, March 8, 2008 of Jethro are in the process of forming cial Volunteer Union Automobile, said a union that will assure them full pay that he completely agreed with Mr • Yakima Convention Center and benefits for performing their du- Trumble on the lack of volunteer sup - ties Mr Trumble said that they have port shown by the Township of Jethro 0 elected Mr "Lips" Linguini as their Act- "It's disgraceful," said Mr Linguini "I ia ing President for Life Mr Linguini, had to drive around the block three This year's mystery i 1 ops!' T ickets $50 based on his vast personal experi- times to find a parking spot. You ence, has been acting as Jethro's would think this community would at Written by Terry Sexton Contact Mary Lou at leading authority on gangs the very least provide free parking for Mr Trumble claims that the volun- volunteer automobiles I don't think I Directed by Elizabeth Patterson (509) 575 - 0292 teer groups in Jethro have been dis- should have to park someplace where criminated against for years. As proof I might get mud splattered on my Vol- Silent auction, live auction & several raffles of this he says that not one volunteer unteer Union Official Lincoln Naviga- for a large &wonderful array of available items! in Jethro has ever received a W -2 tor It's criminal and I'm going to have - Form that shows wages earned This to drive clear across town to have abuse, according to Mr Trumble, Buster wash my car Criminal! This • should not be allowed to continue in community has a lot to answer for " '''', . . this great country "The fair Township Mr Trimble gave this reporter a list gourmet- Mexican Cook i 9 of Jethro has taken advantage of the of rievances that include such items f :21 ; \ volunteers in this community for as back pay, full family medical care, i . . ` Lunch Monday -Fnday 1130 am. 2pm years ", said Mr Trumble in an exclu- cost of living and incentive raises, and ! 411!10 Droner Open Daily at Spm sive interview with the Jethro Gazette retirement. - .AI::. He went on to cite the number of Mr Linguini reminded Mr Trimble ' ' r,, � • : , CLOSED Sundays & Major Holidays volunteers in Jethro that have not not to forget the free parking Accord- I r e ; .) been compensated for their time and ing to Mr Linguini that guaranteed 1 11 E. Yakima Ave 453 -1644 www.santiagos.org efforts. He pointed out the volunteers right is clearly covered in the Constitu- ' l y° • • ! , 1' .> at the Jethro General Hospital, the tion, somewhere \ ; - ' .t* t ' ` _ £ ' Jethro Library, the Jethro Park Depart- I asked Mr Trimble if he really un- �',- ' =' rl�'l , - ti.. Y1 c ment, the Jethro Nurs Home, and derstood the meaning of being a vol- - _"7 r • . young Buster Blister, the nephew of unteer and he replied that he certainly L & _ ' Mayor Alvin Criddle, who washes and did "It's somebody who works their _ waxes Mayor Criddle's Official Jethro rear end off for free That is the sort of _ . F t Township Automobile According to abuse that we intend to stop If need Yal ama 'S onlyGourrnt Mexican Restanrant " 1 z , , - - � ,.. .,. a .s To be published in. try,- r .." . ' "+: Mr Trumble not one of these volun- be we will shut down the community of ' r teerspas ever received a paycheck. Jethro " NORTHWEST , a _ 1 il' r- •• ` — ��� " ` . wt Although, credit must be given to That raised the question of how >td • - Mayor Criddle who did give young could he tell the difference, but that is BEST PLACES 7 `��J{ ! /j v /�)P b - „ r ,w Onion Washington British Colwibia �I L LLB f1 C% 1! . r "+ Buster a donut for Christmas in 2003 another story for the Jethro Gazette ; -'` J ;1 1, 2,1;4 , , r r FROM DEEP WITHIN - -_ - -_ — -- �_ _ -� - u �_ __ WE1IECETTINC READY TO MOVE! DEEP COVER . by Sus Chitwoodi After about 40 years in our current They accused his parents of wad- areation generation and .claimed in- location we're busting at the o ing around in the wrong gene pool He creased vegetative growth everywhere — was six feet - plus -seven inches and there was not a hole or extracted pile seams and moving to ' clumped around like Cyclops of the of dirt. The grass growth was awe � 500 South 211u Avenue. — 45 I Argonaut's ancient screeds Jedediah some and when Buzz turned out his f� Buzz A. Longbottom celebrated his cows on the acreage he spent quite a'� 'fi 88 birthday Saturday night at the sum of money with the veterinarian Jethro Armory and Mushroom Spawn- fixing cows with broken legs Several 0•41), Watch for future updates ing Cellars agronomists hobbled into court on Three of Jethro's finest volunteer crutches and with casted legs to de- ' on our progress! firemen stood by with ready hoses fend his aeration concepts �, i; while the four - score - plus -eight candles Another of Jedediah's more recent I were ignited with a traffic flare The work was on his weed killer, which in- I y _ Abb ott ' s P rintin Inc. crowd applauded as Jedediah burnt off volved overdoses of Roundup and salt. 1 g, his eyebrows, moustache and a gener- He has not been able to fathom the 307 S. 3rd Avenue, Yakima, WA 98902 ous tuft of nasal hair while attempting problem that has turned his test plot - - (509) 452 -8202 • fax (509) 453 -5278 F www.abbottsprinting.com. to dis- ignite the candles But he had into a lookalike of the Gobi Desert, in taken in so much smoke and hot air which absolutely nothing will grow that he fell face first in the Angel Food Buzz, as he is wont to be called, cake Eva Grumble had baked in her will long be remembered for his five- ''' t galvanized wash tub Doctors examin- year -ago invention of the Jeep- I` ° ` , 'S ing him after the event found he had powered ice cream maker Cow King- liGe a t rye k' ` , also gotten a taint of zinc -oxide poison- dom considered orders for the ma- } '.' . ;. ... .J . ing from the ovened wash tub chines, but were disenchanted when f > ...::<:` Buzz came up laughing and as Eva they discovered they had to turn the spooned cake and frosting from his Jeeps on their sides and remove the ears, nose, mouth and the little detent wheels in order to get them through 1S Lc 1 S. above his Adam's apple, he was still their 32 -inch doors sticky and glistening, so the firemen Undaunted, Buzz is now working on cut him loose and hosed him down a Mini-Cooper ice -cream machine He UPHOLSTERY SERVICES Although huge and fairly scary to is also toying with a RC model airplane young children, the Octogenarian -plus- - powered ice -cream machine, but can - eight accounted for measured accom- not figure out how to keep the whole RESIDENTIAL * COMMERCIAL * SLIPCOVERS plishments in his life Among which rig from flying around the neighbor - was a solar -steam post hole digger hood, bombing neighbors with Peanut By appointment only His 1,700 -acre property is dotted with Brittle Ice Cream It is not the RC nearly 200,000 post holes he dug test- model airplane - powered ice cream PHONE: 509 ing the machine machine that bothers him, but exactly rlr11 11VV11:: Mr J B.A. Longworth patented the where did the peanut brittle come holes and called them Uber- irrigation- from? YAKIMA, WASHINGTON T FRIENDS OF JETHRO RETROSPECT Where are they now? - .011k - - - s g �!' : , _ r r y a � ae , it/ A true favorite of Jethro. Lynette, our favorite r y.�d.�"�` J�� " � Walt Toop, Senior Book- Barista! °_ ., Meister of Jethro B y ,i; , .. r. 7 '1' '''' ' , -; .-:,..':"'....' . — .,„ Y 2. # y �� p ., MIS. ,i. , k.41 . „ i F 'Y Kc7 iik; S . > 4. . ...ay3L` '. �,. 4. € 'r .,t ,vim , n i Good oI' Ric, long remem- bered for his excellent m -c John, you still haven't figured job announcing the Official out what that's doing there Jethro Parade Good of Bob Jethro's one and only Man of the Year. t -,.... le %,,,,4 . 4 fi F= i . � � ,, / `° � ` ,, „,4.; ' p J,it .. ly. o w, t 1, ,, - .::" . ! , ,, 5 .,,-- / .a w.aY A:-.f..! �' ' $. a g t -'; S . r s { ' :. - •.+.✓ ` jam` tt ,s; s4„ • ” s Te • pies aren't the � : " ' " I , , • Karen, exactly where did you .• without him �� � � � ,° ,� ? � �`� read that cinnamon rolls Jackie, The Shady Lady were good for you? "Scoop" Nimby, ace reporter for KJET -TV, took the above pictures some time ago with the Official KJET -TV Kodak Brownie Box camera Unfortunately, time had moved forward to the point that no business other than a somewhat obscure camera shop in Mogadishu, Somalia could open the camera, much less de- velop the film When the film was finally developed it was placed aboard a freighter headed towards the US Unfortunately, it was attacked by Malaysian pirates and sunk The camera and film were presumed lost to posterity But, once again good fortune shined on the Jethro Gazette, the package bearing the camera and pictures washed ashore in Vanuatu and a Harvard Law School reject who was making a living re- furbishing toilets that had washed up on the beach and re- selling them on eBay found the pictures and immediately contacted the Jethro Gazette demanding money for their return to their rightful owners Again, fortune shined on the Jethro Gazette and union leader Lips Linguini found time to explain to the unemployed beachcomber that it was in his best interests to donate the pictures The rest is Jethro Gazette Legend and here are the pictures "COP - OUT "(We're not real sure why we have to do this, but it has something to do with laws, lawsuits and people who really don't like THE JETHRO GAZETTE ) Published by The Jethro Gazette for the Township of Jethro, Washington on a more or less monthly basis at the personal discretion of the Publisher and Editor All the supposed facts, opinions and statements appearing within this publication are those of the Publisher and Editor and have no bearing on anything Any similarity to any person, place or incident is purely coincidental and is the figment of a fevered imagination Inquiries requesting information on advertising or subscriptions are welcome You may contact us at 706 Hennessy, Yakima, WA 98908 Telephone 509-966-253 3 or email us at jethro@nwinfo net liii _ ' .N -- INIAND 4 , AL111] V Centre/ 1' Scrapbooking ( v 1 '�' 7c the - We specialize 1 your yesterdays. WESTPARK SHOPPING CENTER .. _. .. 4 vdeot ege' , . 40TH AVENUE & SUNIlVIITVIEW di ii. I SCRAPBOOKCENTRAL @YAHOO.COM 104 W. Yakima Avenue Call: 509/248 -4647 ww w YAKIMASCRAPBOOKCENTRAL.COM 509/966 -4049 Yakima, WA 98902 Fax: 509/248 -3309